Lessons in Loss

I may not be a pro in much, but i feel as though the Lord would like to me to full grasp the lessons of loss. Oh my word, in the last 5 years we have lost 2 pregnancies, 1 tiny baby boy, we left a job with 8 girls that we so loved at OBHC and started a new calling at SHBC only to be unexplicably fired after 3 years of faithful service. Loss. Another loss. We have so much to be thankful for, but why? Why were we humiliated and lied about? Why did we have to walk this road, we have already hurt so much. We have already given up so much and remained faithful to the Lord and His call on our lives, we didn't turn away, we didn't give up and go secular, we stayed in the ministry and close to the Lord who had always walked with us.
Then... failure. We sat down in a conference room where we had been loved on and invested in. Jamie wore a blue shirt, his eyes were cold and the sparkle was gone. The love for us and our ministry was gone. The connection of three years of walking together on this hard road of faithful service was gone, he was cold, distant, almost foreign. He looked at us as one would look at a roach crawling across the kitchen table. "You both are miserable. We know it. It's not working. So it is our decision that your position will both be terminated, effective immediately. You will be given 2 weeks of severance pay. I have a list of reasons but we don't need to go over them now. The decision has been made."
Blood drained, heart pounded, cold hands, chilled face.What? What are you talking about? Friend. Mentor. Please, what are you talking about? Why are you doing this? Please, please listen to what you know is true and don't do this.
"You both are unwilling to follow my leadership." What? When? Name one single time I have ever refused to follow your leadership. Once. Please. Don't throw this all away.
"You are unorganized and unable to complete tasks." Give me one example. What you say to do. I do. I love following you. You are my friend, my older brother, my protector and my encourager. Please.
"The direction the church is going, we will no longer need part-time childrens and youth ministers." What does that mean? Are you giving up? Is this because we didn't want you to give up on the Wednesday night kids? Is this because we fought to keep the community kids in our program? Why? Jamie please. Listen to me. Please.
"The decision has been made. There's nothing to discuss."

Broken again. Not only did we lose our jobs and 60 percent of our income, we lost our family. Our support. The lies that he planned and he lies he told the youth broke me. Another loss. Another trial. Can't I have a break? Can't I see the sun for a bit and not have to deal with betrayal on such a deep and personal level?

I have been called to great things, big, bold beautiful things and I can't get there having a pristine life on rainbow and butterflies. There are going to be some cactus plants put in my way "but just because I'm given a cactus doesn't mean i have to sit on it." So how can I worship Him in the midst of another storm? Another. Darn. Dark. Dreary. Storm.

Focus on who He is now and Has always been and will continue to be tomorrow.
Realize that these trials are all going to be used to bring glory to himself and blessings to Me.
I have given another opportunity to praise Him in the storm. Weep. Worship. Wait.
Focus on all the good that has come from it.
     Interview at BattleCreek
     Time to be renewed at Evergreen.
     A time to rest for this warrior.
     Removal from a sinking ship before the explosion.
     Re-emergence of friends coming out to support and love through the trial.
    Sequoyah people showing love and support even while their pastor speaks pain and destruction.
    A spark in my devotions and jouraling that has deepened my love for my Father.
    Support from my family, people I sometimes feel so far from, they love to rally around the        hurting.
    Connection with Jason having to walk through this heart ache together... again.

God has never left me and His verse through this entire thing has been Exodus 14:14. The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.
He is my defender and my strength. I need only be still. Women don't like to be still, we like to be active, fighting, preparing, caring, working towards the next goal. But He said be still. Rest in me, he told me in my journal, "You, my warrior, my rest. Let me do the fighting for you for awhile." I was shocked, at SHBC I fought and fought and fought. It was who I was, a warrior. I fought against broken families, I fought against tradition for the sake of tradition, I fought against prejudice and racism. But now I need to sit down, and soak in all God has planned for my renewal before my next assignment.